Michal's HeadlinesCoast Guard

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Sauna Cezar

Bielsko-Biala, Poland

Photographs by Michal Slaby
A map showing Bielsko-Biala's position within Silesia
Bielsko-Biała lies in the corner of Silesia
Margo behind a tree

Coast Guard, a cultural introduction

Getting to know the words from all angles...

Michal's poring over the feasibility of boosting his sizeable Fiction Corpus with a fairy tale about cheap art; cites fatigueDictionary icon

I think highly of the concept of honoring English as a global standard. I do challenge the unimaginative steps through which English is presented for study.Pointer

Reenforcing one's skills with a language isn't like making a more accurate compass. A language - a common language - is not just an instrument that you can teach yourself to wield with a greater amount of precision. A spoken tongue cannot be cleaved from the shared logic of a society of which it is a description. A language isn't recited; it happens - and keeps happening as long as a circle of people keeps using it.

Teaching a pupil to recite English is to deprive her of its cultural context. A good teacher has to develop a technique for introducing it; the insightful student ventures out to seek it.

A dictionary can be an influential tool. A decent dictionary will define a language on the basis of a particular corpus, a set of written language of various scope and consistency. Such a corpus could contain everything from a book about literature to some really short fiction stories. I burnt many candles creating my "whopping" Fiction Corpus in order to form a peculiar kind of dictionary based on the ability of one man to tell a story in myriad forms. It is a labor of love and listening.

I have molded a million words and I have reduced them, reshaping them - not merely to teach an American language but to defend the human soul, and to encourage that spirit or soul not just to recite but to happen.

Michal's Dictionary Navigation

Artifacts, fuels, and persons: Definitions in Michal's FictionPointer

More: Artifacts

Common artifacts appearing frequently in Michal's Corpus

Help Replace Insult With Truth in ArtOne of Margo's pictures from our trip across Europe.

Strength and dignity are her clothing...

Proverbs 31:25

Author's Note: I have been enjoined from sharing the details of my true romance adventure until such time that the other party is prepared to present her perspective on the affair arrangement...Pointer

By the end of my first week in Europe in 2011, I had bought a car and out of the blue had met the woman who would join me on a 6,000 mile trek across the European continent, sharing the beat-up car that I had bought and the one small tent from Walmart that I had brought along with me on my flight.

Though as an artist I had been working on body acceptance since the start of my career, and as a one-time practicing figure model was used to being nude in a social setting, I had been left largely unexposed to the community of naturists and nudists working towards the same goal of promoting the human being. Visiting nude beaches and resorts along the East Coast and participating in events organized around New York by Young Naturists America, I was left hungry for more and had come to Europe to see things from their side of the pond. Margo was my introduction.

I had an American passport. She didn't. And the fact that I was driving a car with Polish license plates gave her ample opportunity to point out the difference. It wasn't just police and border guards who ethnically profiled me. Regular folks did it too. One campsite owner didn't shake my hand until he realized I was an American. By that point, I had trained myself to use a simplified English, something that more closely resembled what passes for a lingua franca in Europe these days. Something Margo was trying very hard to master.

As far apart culturally as we may have been, we spent 6,000 miles in one car. We spent over 40 nights in one tent. We started learning how to listen to each other. We started learning how to accept our differences and how to let them help us instead of driving us apart. Slowly but surely, we started learning how to beat the devils that abuse us.

One of Margo's pictures from our trip across Europe.

6,000 miles across Europe with a complete stranger

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Day 8
7/27/2011
 7༛25/24

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Hoteli Baška

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Baška, Croatia

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THE DISAPPEARING WOMAN, THE DISAPPEARING MAN...Pointer

a collection of modern art prints and posters

During our trip across Europe, Margo very bravely opened up to me and to the camera. It was a difficult thing to do considering the scars that she carries. I wanted to share with the world her often joyful, often sad, often angry but always liberating experience except that the Internet is full of pictures of naked women and men and full of trolls who abuse them.

I realized that what I really need to point out is not the openness that Margo and I cultivated between ourselves, but the darkness that continues to surround us. When I censor nudity, I do so in a way that does not compromise the integrity of the human body. In censoring the photographs that Margo and I took during our trip, I was quick to notice that in those pictures where Margo was at her most open, at her most unguarded and most relaxed, in a word, when she was herself and basking in the sun I was forced to blacken her completely.

Why does our society drive people into darkness? Why can we not accept ourselves as we are? Why can we not accept our bodies? Have we truly become eunuchs? Or are we capable of defying the sickness that pits us against each other? Together we could conquer the devils that abuse us.

Whether you enjoy being nude or not, whether you've been photographed nude or not, but especially if, for you, like for Margo, it's something you never thought you would do, consider submitting your own photograph to be published in a censored manner as a form of protest against the ubiquitous presence of the human body on the internet, naked or not, that is published and duplicated ad infinitum without context and without regard for the identity or the needs of the individual being depicted.

Michal's Dictionary:
Understanding the words Coast Guard

A word can represent many things. First and foremost it represents a type of gesture. A specific way of speaking. A specific way of inscribing a mark. A specific way of moving your hand. To know one of these kinds of gestures is to know how to pronounce the words coast guard in some kind of way.

If you want to communicate an idea using the words coast guard, you will need to know what other people are made to think when you make the gesture. You will never have complete awareness of or control over the associations or identities that are invoked by a set of words, but you can know what was and what is a single word's jointly accepted definition, at least for a given place, thereby tracing a direction which will help you to understand what kinds of associations and identities are driving its use.

By using the word yourself, you enter into a long-standing albeit oftentimes unconscious debate over its definition, forever entangling yourself into the history of its use. The way you use it, and which other words you use it with carries weight.

The more you know about where the words coast guard are located in the fabric of a language, the better you will be at exploiting their cultural power.

Pronunciation of Coast GuardMargo on a trampoline

I have yet to publish a pronunciation for the words "coast guard."

Video of me pronouncing "coast guard."

Definition of Coast GuardMargo on a trampoline

The coast guard refers to a government organization that hires and maintains a group of people whose job it is to patrol waterways and to protect access to the countryside from the sea. The coast guard can also refer to the actual people who do this work.

Common use of coast guard in illustrative example sentencesMargo on a trampoline

  1. I hear the government's broke and that one of their plans is to reduce the size of the coast guard. I hope they're talking about the bureaucrats and not the sailors.

    Audio of me saying the sentence:
  2. The coast guard boarded the ship and instead of drugs they found a bunch of illegal immigrants hiding below decks.

    Audio of me saying the sentence:
  3. I have yet to come up with a third sentence using the words "coast guard."

    Audio of me saying the sentence:
  4. I have yet to come up with a fourth sentence using the words "coast guard."

    Audio of me saying the sentence:
  5. I have yet to come up with a fifth sentence using the words "coast guard."

    Audio of me saying the sentence:
  6. I have yet to come up with a sixth sentence using the words "coast guard."

    Audio of me saying the sentence:
  7. I have yet to come up with a seventh sentence using the words "coast guard."

    Audio of me saying the sentence:

Usage of Coast Guard in Michal's Fiction CorpusMargo on a trampoline

An image of young Michal sitting on a potty in front of a typewriter

Michal's Fiction Corpus of Acceptance Literature (FiCAL) is presented under the Bare Bottom imprint. It is currently comprised of six bodies of work, each representing a different pillar of culture and incorporating a wide variety of writhing styles.

Bare Bottom ImprintBack to Usage of Coast Guard: Table of Contents

Coast Guard, a morphological approach

I have yet to make a morphological analysis of the words "coast guard."

That doesn't mean it's not high on my list.

Table of Frequency for the Words "Coast Guard."

This table lists in descending order the total number of times that the words "coast guard" and any of their morphological derivations appear in the Fiction Corpus, along with a breakdown of frequency by title, the respective rank of each word or set of words in the complete list of all words in the Corpus, as calculated both densely and competitively, as well as the percent increase in frequency of the words over the frequency of the next lowest rank in the complete list.

Margo stretching her arms
Percent Increase over next rankRANKWORDFrequency
TOTAL # of occurencesMCDONALDSJESUSSEXTSIGAJACKSONDINGBATS
densecompetitivemodern/sloppybiblical/tersepoetic/high-browhard/fasttalkymixed salad
-----------
I have yet to publish the table of frequency for the words "coast guard," but I will get to it shortly. -Michal

Bare Bottom ImprintBack to Usage of Coast Guard: Table of Contents

Usage of Coast Guard in Death to McDonalds

An aerial view of Dodger Stadium in the foreground, with an imaginary partially submerged Los Angeles behind

A story bible for a comic book series set in a post climate-change California narrated by eight characters who live through a natural disaster that sinks Los Angeles and triggers a war with an expansionist Mexican government covertly supported by China.

Frame #1378

im down in newport beach. theres a 40 foot yacht at the coast guard moorings with a broken mast. the name on the back says jerrys rig.

Sprint "Iphone" Case

11 August, 9:56 AM

Frame #2961

i wonder what it would take to renew my captains license. expedia's son is in the coast guard. maybe he can make it easier for me.

Sprint "Iphone" Case

28 August, 6:21 PM

Frame #168

mark says theres nothing to worry about. how can he know. hes in the coast guard. its not like they tell him anything.

Expedia Cheap-Flights

27 July, 6:52 PM

Frame #4039

its expedia's son. mark. from the coast guard. hes coming up to the door. this should be interesting.

Sprint "Iphone" Case

25 September, 7:56 AM

Frame #2237

jayce - you must be worried at least a little bit. you heard about the airplane parts. the ones the coast guard found on the container ship.

Justin Bieber

19 August, 5:11 PM

Bare Bottom ImprintBack to Usage of Coast Guard: Table of Contents

Usage of Coast Guard in The Gospel of Jesus H.

A picture of the planet Mars

An experimental science fiction Christology that makes Jesus the hard boiled narrator of his own early years on a bizarro earth made dark by volcanic ash and informally ruled by a man from Mars who sells bottled air.

"Coast Guard" does not make an appearance in The Gospel of Jesus

- Michal Slaby

Bare Bottom ImprintBack to Usage of Coast Guard: Table of Contents

Usage of Coast Guard in Sex for Children

A drawing of a man between a woman's legs in front of another man in a hospital bed

A literature book narrated by a pair of siblings on either side of the Atlantic whose profoundly weird sexual experiences pose a serious challenge to their traditional understanding of mathematicians, marriage, gay young men and God.

"Coast Guard" does not make an appearance in Sex For Children.

- Michal Slaby

Bare Bottom ImprintBack to Usage of Coast Guard: Table of Contents

Usage of Coast Guard in Tsiga Tsiga Tsiga

Bullets whizzing by a statue of Nikola Tesla

A collection of stories featuring a sexy Parisian ghost, a spooky Moon base full of vagina-faced aliens, a policeman with an Irish name, a truck full of watermelons, a flautist, and a man who has to see another man about a diseased horse.

"Coast Guard" does not make an appearance in Tsiga Tsiga Tsiga.

- Michal Slaby

Bare Bottom ImprintBack to Usage of Coast Guard: Table of Contents

Usage of Coast Guard in Sorry Ms. Jackson

Chiseled letters from an ancient stone tablet hanging on a wall

A real play. With drama in it. Talk fast. It takes two hours. Set in a guest house. In a small community. After a murder. Lots of suspicion. The characters learn to listen to each other. It's funny.

"Coast Guard" does not make an appearance in Sorry Miss Jackson.

- Michal Slaby

Bare Bottom ImprintBack to Usage of Coast Guard: Table of Contents

Usage of Coast Guard in Miscellaneous Dingbats

The title of the book at the end of a string of miscellaneous dingbats

A story book full of short fiction stories. An interesting bedtime mystery. A fairy tale. Science fiction romance. Adult life. Uninspiring gay fiction. Horror.

"Coast Guard" does not make an appearance in Miscellaneous Dingbats

- Michal Slaby

Bare Bottom ImprintBack to Usage of Coast Guard: Table of Contents

Collocation of Coast Guard in the Fiction Corpus

Table of Collocation for the Words "Coast Guard."

This table lists in descending order of frequency a selection of text strings that appear in the Fiction Corpus and groups them according to the morphological derivation of the words coast guard that appears in the string.

TypeWORDFrequency
TOTAL # of occurencesMCDONALDSJESUSSEXTSIGAJACKSONDINGBATS
modern/sloppybiblical/tersepoetic/high-browhard/fasttalkymixed salad
--------
I have yet to perform a collocation analysis of "coast guard." I hope I can get it done sometime soon. -Michal

Love is the answer...

What are we waiting for? Let's accept it!

Are you a eunuch?

The art show that defies abuse

Still Life, Patriarchy

Contemporary wall art to remind us that Father always says Father knows best

To promote democracy, the strong must empty themselves of their strength. The weak must be granted the opportunity to grow strong. We cannot force the end of patriarchy. To do so simply perpetuates feudalism under a different name.

A miniature portrait of MichalMargo at the beach

Help me keep the "Coast Guard" page up and running...

If you love women and art...

Michal is importing Polish art...is he loony?

Michal's Sales Pitch
Lot 1: Silesian Handicrafts

  1. T-shirt fundraiser for sale

    Handcrafted t-shirt fundraiser for sale.

    Last T-Shirt with the logo that I designed. Pointer

    From a set of, I believe, twenty produced by Margo and given out to a portion of the last 20 women to finish the 20th anniversary Fiat Road Race in Bielsko-Biała, cf. the movie. This is the last one left in it's original packaging and my supporters - like the poor women of Bielsko - are going to have to fight for it. Whoever invests the most money with me, and who lets me borrow it to invest in the next lot, will not only be rewarded with some beautiful piece of art, but will get this priceless t-shirt as a reward for being my top supporter. $1000.00 or best offer. Remember to authorize me to hold the sum as credit against a future purchase and to authorize me to borrow against it.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #1 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  2. Felt handbag for sale

    Handcrafted felt handbag for sale.

    Felt bag by Dorota. Pointer

    Entirely hand-sewn. Base: polyester felt, 100% PE. Motif: South American woolen yarn, dyed, 100% wool. Hand-worked with a needle. Unique and inimitable design. Inside: cotton fabric, closes with zipper, inside pocket. Available now for $220.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #2 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  3. Decorative collar for sale

    Handcrafted decorative collar for sale.

    Decorative collar by Zuzanna. Pointer

    Ethnic layered cloth jewelry constructed on a cotton base and adorned with ribbons, tassels, and a yellow fringe. Fastened on the side with 11 buttons, fitted entirely with a pleasant lining. The style is an Indo-Asian-African multinational color combination. The collar is very extravagant and an extraordinary addition to any clothing, guaranteed to attract attention. Just a simple dress and a unique image is ready. Dry-cleaning recommended. Available now for $200.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #3 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  4. Seamless handbag for sale

    Handcrafted seamless handbag for sale.

    Handbag by Sylwia. Pointer

    Handmade from felted all-natural Australian and South American wool. Entirely felted, seamless. Finished with a white lining, inside is a small pocket. Lining is sewn and stitched in by hand. Available now for $180.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #4 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  5. Patchwork quilt for sale

    Handcrafted patchwork quilt for sale.

    Patchwork quilt by Alicja. Pointer

    Bedspread made of cotton and polyester material. Inserted with polyester lining. 90 by 70 cm. Available now for $120.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #5 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  6. Nuno-felt shawl for sale

    Handcrafted nuno-felt shawl for sale.

    Shawl by Sylwia. Pointer

    Scarf made ​​with the nuno felting technique (wet felting fibre into a silk gauze) using South American wool. Two-sided scarf with latticework at the ends. Wholly in the colors red, black, green in an abstract pattern. Available now for $100.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #6 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  7. Clara the doll for sale

    Handcrafted clara the doll for sale.

    Clara by Alicja. Pointer

    Clara loves roses and greenery, adores tormenting spiders with long legs and sleeping soundly in the afternoon. Cuddly toy made of cotton and polyester, stuffed with polyester lining. Available now for $70.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #7 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  8. Noah the doll for sale

    Handcrafted noah the doll for sale.

    Noah by Alicja. Pointer

    Noah doesn't know what to like and what not to like but keeps wondering and thinking about it. Cuddly toy made of cotton and polyester, stuffed with polyester lining. Available now for $70.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #8 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  9. Black suspenders for sale

    Handcrafted black suspenders for sale.

    Black suspenders by Zuzanna. Pointer

    Two-sided suspenders from black material with a rose motif on one side and striped cotton on the other. Connected by a leather triangle. Adjustable length. Hand washing in cold water recommended. Available now for $50.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #9 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  10. Orange suspenders for sale

    Handcrafted orange suspenders for sale.

    Orange suspenders by Zuzanna. Pointer

    Two-sided suspenders made of denim and orange material with a Polish floral folk design. Connected by a leather triangle. Adjustable length. Hand washing in cold water recommended. Available now for $50.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #10 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  11. Green suspenders for sale

    Handcrafted green suspenders for sale.

    Green suspenders by Zuzanna. Pointer

    Two-sided suspenders made of denim and green material with a mountain folk design. Connected by a leather triangle. Adjustable length. Hand washing in cold water recommended. Available now for $50.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #11 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  12. Felt earrings for sale

    Handcrafted felt earrings for sale.

    Felt earrings by Dorota. Pointer

    Material: South American woolen yarn, dyed, 100% wool. Hand-worked with a needle. Pendant of anti-allergenic metal. Available now for $40.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #12 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  13. Round ceramic earrings for sale

    Handcrafted round ceramic earrings for sale.

    Round ceramic earrings by Dorota. Pointer

    Material: Glazed ceramics, hand-molded. Available now for $40.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #13 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  14. Oblong ceramic earrings for sale

    Handcrafted oblong ceramic earrings for sale.

    Oblong ceramic earrings by Dorota. Pointer

    Material: Glazed ceramics, hand-molded. Available now for $40.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #14 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

  15. 'Coral' necklace for sale

    Handcrafted 'coral' necklace for sale.

    Corals by Sylwia. Pointer

    Necklace made ​​of cotton pieces with organdy and decorated with beads, suspended on cotton strings. Can be worn as a necklace, as a brooch or as a belt tied at the side. Available now for $40.00. Ships free of additional charge via USPS (uninsured) unless otherwise directed.

    To purchase please mail a USPS money order in an envelope clearly marked Lot #1/Item #15 to M. Slaby at house number 201 on Ridge Road in the town of West Milford, in the state of New Jersey, one of the beautiful United States of America. The postal code is 07480-3112.

Handcrafted t-shirt fundraiser
Handcrafted felt handbag
Handcrafted decorative collar
Handcrafted seamless handbag
Handcrafted patchwork quilt
Handcrafted nuno-felt shawl
Handcrafted clara the doll
Handcrafted noah the doll
Handcrafted black suspenders
Handcrafted orange suspenders
Handcrafted green suspenders
Handcrafted felt earrings
Handcrafted round ceramic earrings
Handcrafted oblong ceramic earrings
Handcrafted 'coral' necklace